Reactive Attachment Disorder

I feel compelled to explain this so people better understand. It is a real disorder. What causes it? A child being neglected and not being loved when they are young. You can not take a pill and make it go away. A child's core is so damaged they do not feel and connect the way others do.
We have had people say you've had him long enough shouldn't he be over it? He seems like such a little thing. I bet if he came to stay with me I could fix him. Sorry but some people have hurt him bad enough to be around them he shuts down and hides.
Some have said I walk around looking unhappy, I'm sure I do. Imagine getting up at 6 am everyday to coax a child out of bed and he doesn't get up til 6:30. Then he will refuse to take his meds it's always a battle. Then you need to go through belongings to make sure he doesn't have anything he's not suppose to. If your lucky you can get him out of the house without him yelling about some percieved injustice. If he's angry at his brothers he'll 1-2 boxes of cereal so someone has to go to store for others to eat. During the night he has creaped around and stolen from others in their sleep, so you must get it back. Then off to school, I take my afternoon break so I can check and make sure he is where he is suppose to be. Volunteering, detention, or tutorials. I can not trust him at home with my other boys as he breaks out windows, smashes walls, once tried to drive my van and broke it, set his matress on fire, started a fire in my garage, chased my youngest and his friend with a butcher knife laid the blade up aginst their body. He doesn't understand what he has done is wrong! No one got hurt. You can get him to do the homework but to turn it in is another story. He has a learning disorder also one of his teachers told me"Your son does not have a learning disorder but he is mentally ill." Really are you a psych major. You can catch him doing something wrong and he'll tell you that is not what you saw. At night I can't sleep because he's always up and roaming smoking stealing. He likes to call me stupid if I know he's taken something and I can't find it, see I didn't take it. Example lighters in his pockets, coats, shoes, and the latest rubberbanded to his forearm! He goes to a doctor 3 times a week for 2 hours. Now he is starting remeidial services to help with skill building. My whole life revolves around protecting him and others. I miss those of you from church but honestly come Sunday Morning I'm so exhausted all I want to do is sleep. Can I see how church can help? yes, but somedays I just can not move. The other day he became angry he got consequences he broke his glasses in 2. I said how did that serve you? "I just cost you$300.00 ha ha" Now he's mad it's taken over a week to get them fixed. Really cause that's $300.00 out of christmas and grocery money. Does he want to be this way? No but it is so ingrained into who he is. According to the experts if he can get mostly me or anyone else to yell or cry endorphins are released in his brain bringing him comfort. So after everyone's upset he will calmly come over say I love you can I have a hug. I wish you wouldn't sound so angry mom. Then continue on til the next time he feels life has not gone his way. You know how they say love your child when they are most unlovable. So each day I must start my day with optomism. And pray with a dilligent heart that when I tell my son I love him, he will here it. When I correct his behavior they will be a glimmer of understanding. That he will not equate love with material things. That he will hear the positives he's done for the day. He hurts so bad inside he wants others to hurt too. He steals to feel close to those people. He lies because that is what he's done for so long. If there are some of you I've let see him and now put on the breaks please understand I am doing the best I can to love, serve, and protect my son. Hopefully this makes sense to you all.

I'm Thankful for....

I was gonna do this yesterday but I became so caught up in the day. I'm so grateful to have found my husband 23 years ago. Although we've had our ups and downs, no one has ever loved and understood me like him. All he has to do is give me that look and I am 18 all over again. I'm so grateful when I suggested kids net 7 years ago he agreed. Who would have ever known the journey we would embark upon. It has not always been sunny skies but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
We bought the boys a book a couple years back by Marianne Richmond called "I love you so..." It explains exactly how I feel. It talks about the moment we met I knew without you I would fret. Then it has a part where the child asks what about when I'm naughty? and it says My love you doesn't change with the turning of the day. I may not like the naughty things you do, but I always love you. With each new challenge comes an understanding and a hope.
I am so grateful for Rick who keeps me on my toes trying to keep up with him. I'm grateful for the moments when he allows himself to relish in the happiness. I am so grateful for his ability to draw and paint to express himself and add joy to others lives. I am grateful for Lil Dan who is my great big helper. He is always there to help you, we call him our peacekeeper. He is so full of energy. My Eddie Ray who fills my world with wonder I've been amazed by all he does. I love his hugs and kisses just before bed. Quiet times reading a book or watching a show. I'm so grateful for scripture time and family activities.
I am so grateful for all my brothers and sisters who have been my support system. You each mean then world to me. And for their spouses and children who bring so much to my life.
I'm so grateful for blogs that keep us each updated on each others lives.
I'm grateful for good friends who listen and help when one really needs it. Thanks Kelly.
Thanks to all who helped and supported us as we adopted the boys. Your faith in us meant the world and still does.
I'm grateful for our my wonderful church friends who love us and help us despite our shortcomings.
I'm grateful for Mom and Dad who have always been there even when I wasn't smart enough to listen. I'm grateful for the moments we spend together. I'm Thankful for Aunts and Uncles who have always loved me despite choices I may have made.
I'm thankful for memories I have that weaves each of you into my life.
Most of all I thank a loving and wise Heavenly Father who loves me so much he has given me exactly what I needed at every point of my life. In the words of Rick "Heavenly Father knew we were suppose to be a family he just had a different to follow for us than most. So we would never take one another for granted"
Thank You we Love you all!

A new perspective

I'm trying to come up with new ideas for activities for the whole family. It seems like negative behavior rules the house. With it comes negative feelings and words by everyone as they try to deal with every approaching storm. So for Thanksgiving Dan's making pork ole? Never heard of it. Rick Mushroom caps. Dan a salad he is still choosing. Any ideas? leave one for him. Eddie Ray Peanut Butter Blossoms. Mom gets to oversee the boys. Then we'll all work together for place settings. They are responsible for coming up with a new game or family activity each week. I'm thinking I'd like to make a family quilt. I don't know. Rick is starting his skill building. Plus he will still be in therapy. I know it's difficult for him dealing with the hand life has dealt him. It's so easy to reach out with negative behavior for attention. Like he said he's been lying and stealing since he was a little boy just to survive. And he knows he doesn't need to yet he still does it. Some days I'm so torn between wanting to scream ( which I do, sad but true) to just holding him and never let him go. (Thank goodness happens too.) He wishes I had got him younger, but really with Reactive Attachment disorder I wouldv'e had to have him at one or younger. So wish us luck on our new adventure. Any ideas would be appreciated. Love to all.

Life is Crazy

Rick has broke so much as he has tried to deal with things.We now need to fix a Living Room, Dinning Room, and 2 bedroom walls, 2 doors, and my front windows. I guess my biggest issue came from him sneaking in my room while I was asleep to steal from me. Yes I feel broke. But more I wonder how to reach my son. To realize he can trust and love again. In his anger he has yelled out he was adopted because no one loved him. Now it is that I will discard him like his last parents. I told him straight up I'm noit looking to kick him out, but I do refuse to let him hurt other in his anger. He was promised a letter I while back and all he got was a quick card. Like he said he wasn't even worth a letter. His hurt runs deep. The last 2 days have gone better. A big Thanks to Grandpa & Grandma for a night out. It gave Mom some breathing room to get a new perpective. And apparently the chat they had with the boys worked wonders. Yesterday was great. Very relaxing!
We are trying a new treatment option. This one will include family too, which is good because his behaviors has affected everyone. And I spend so much time feeling frustrated.
He is a wonderful child, he just acts out when he is hurting. Which is most the time. I guess I can Thank Heavenly Father that he is glad he is my son. Part of him knows he is loved, and part feeels he doesn't deserve it. He carries around so much responsibilities for other people's mistakes. He told me he was glad I always apologize when I feel I was wrong. So there is hope!! Yeah there is always hope.

Happy Halloween!!

Isn't Anna adorable? Her and Ricky shared the mask.

Dan and Eddie Ray aren't they spooktacular?

Pumpkin carving Eddie Ray style. I'm like Hello? You're on Momma's table! I love the humor the 3 boys add to my life. Dan and Eddie Ray made us breakfast in bed for Halloween. So today not to let the holiday go by without pumpkin pancakes, I made them. Everyone got theirs sat down to pray and Anna girl stole the 7 pancakes left. I guess she figured if she dressed up she was due too.

Up in Smoke

A couple weeks ago I found 45 cigarette butts plus matches in my bathroom window sill with numerous burn marks on the wood. Apparently when I said no smoking after I found my bathroom counter burned we decieded to go for the window sill. Then when that was found we went higher up on the window. Then I found Rick's window open and cigarette burns on that window sill. Then I found burn holes in Rick's matress. Then this morning the bathroom sink wouldn't drain, guess what I found cigarette butts shoved down the drain. When Rick was questioned it isn't him, he quit smoking. And the matress well that was a long time ago, he tried to light the matress on fire. Gee I feel so much better. I want to know why I don't smoke in my house but my 15 feels he has the right to and destroy my house at the same time. And people wonder why I get frustrated. HMM let me think. I told him I'm tired of it, I found him one night smoking on the basement stairs, he threw a lit cigarette in the basement and denied it. Helloo it's burning on the wooden steps. He wants to know why I would think he's trying to burn down my house? Let me think.... I don't know intall smoke alarms in his room in the bathroom? But would it go off from a cigarette? I've grounded and taken things away, to no avail. He came home with a lighter that sounds and looks like a blow torch. He found why can't he keep it. I'm duh? Do you need a lighter? And for what? Oh that's right to break my rules. I've had so many people say just give him a corner in the house to smoke. 1st of all he is under 18, can we say illegal? 2nd of all I don't somke in my house for a reason, so why should he? Can we tell I am frustrated. Any ideas?

Proud Momma

Sorry no picts I'm to tired to upload. But anyway. Rick won 1st place for his wolf drawing, 2nd place for his drawing of me holding him as a baby. Very cool. Now they return to my wall of love.
Lil Dan had his 1st game last Thursday. He won 28-16. Then he became a teenager on Monday.
Eddie Ray had his first football practice on Tuesday. He did very well.
Now tommorow is conquer and divide. Go to Dan's game at 3:30, either Dan or I will have to leave at 5:15 to get Eddie Ray to his practice at 5:30pm. I can till supper will be a late one.