Some are confused as to who the mother of my children are. I would like to take the time to clarify this. They do have a birth mother for who I am grateful for bringing my 3 beautiful boys into this world. For without her I would not have children. I am pleased with changes she has made in her life since I first met her. The boys choose to call her Sandy.
But I am their Mother. My children chose this along time ago. I am the only Mom Eddie Ray remembers. I am the one who gets up each morning to get them ready for school. I make sure they have healthy food to eat. I have made sure their education has been paid for including bills prior to them calling me mom. 2 of my children have learning disorders. I am the one who has learned about thses disorders. I've taken the time to study with them.. I've been their advocate at school to ensure thyey are getting what they need.
I provide them with a home that is warm and safe. A place they can be themselves. I encourage my children to explore their many talents. And I am proud of what they have accomplished.
I have taught them of Heavenly Father. Letting them know they were never alone. That is why they had so many in their life helping them to survive. I hold my children when they are scared, when they are hurting, and just so they know they are loved. I have taught them to about unconditional love. Unconditional love does not keep one from being held accountable for actions, it is loving one in spite of their actions and helping them understand the atonement of Christ. How behaviors affect others. It is not easy to watch someone pay consequences for their actions. Or to take their actions from secrecy to the open, as I was instructed to do.
I am the one who when they see behaviors they've seen in the past played out by others, I comfort them and remind the it is in the past. I am the one who has always held my sons as they go through the night terrors. I cry as I can not see what they fear most and I can not make it stop. I can just call their name and let them know they are safe and pray it ends soon. I see to all their Medical and Emotional needs.
When I said the last 6 years have been hard on all 5. Let me explain it is hard when a child is so hurt he lashes out at those closest to him That he feels guilty when he is happy. and quickly will sabatoge it. It is hard for the other 2 to understand how he is feeling because they are happy and do not like contention. I have spent alot of time learning about the different ways to best help my children to heal.
I was asked do you feel sorry for Sandy and Ed yes, I do. When I first met them, my heart so ached for them. What a horrible place to be. I took my promise as a foster mom very seriously. I did all I could to help them heal as a family. And we always talked about when they would return home. For 2 years I stood by as the boys were repeatedly hurt by inaction. A couple years ago the boys looked to be doing fairly well. And I chose to do a picnic, I thought it would be good for my boys to see everyone was okay. But I was wrong. And I have repeatedly apologized to my son Rick. It opened up hurts and memories that feeds his behavior today. He says it's not my fault but I do feel very responsible. Some are confused about Adoption it is not a babysitting service. They are Dan & I's children. Our names are on their birth certificates. My husband and I promised that day in court I would love, protect, and provide for our children as though they were borne from my body. I did not take that promise lightly then, nor do I today. I may make mistakes, I am human. But I know every decision I make is done with my children put first. So anyone who tries to further confuse or guilt my children you will have less contact then you enjoy now. The boys love everyone who has touched their lives, but they want those who stay in touch to realize they have a family. They like knowing everyone is okay, they just don't want the comments that make them feel guilty for being happy. Our Love to everyone.
Susanne Dan and our boys.
Curt Hill 5-5-2007 graduating from UNI.
